| (no subject) |
[5/28/0712:14 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | Reverse this Curse - Escape the Fate | ] |
yes. i am grounded. but somehow, i have the urge to write a journal entry. and my mother left her laptop turned on and everything. so it's not my fault, m'kay?
i dont know what to do with myself. i don't want to be in this house anymore. but i have to deal with it for another 4 years. ugh. at least summer's almost here. and maybe next year will be better. right?
i'm not in a comfortable position.
i fell into love with someone i can't trust.
someone who, i'm afraid, will never love me back.
someone i never see. barely talk to anymore.
i don't know what to do.
and no one else i know understands this position i am in.
so i'm stuck.
and i'm also bent on this writing thing.
usually, i have no problem with writing my, whatever comes to mind.
but i've been having the worst case of writer's block. or whatever.
and artist's block. ACKKK!
too many problems.
i complain too much.
and i miss Patrick. only katie knows who patrick is. and i miss him. i got my first email, in a long time, from him yesterday. =[
i wish things could be like they used to. when my mother didn't go along with everything her bf says just so they don't get into a fight. and when they do, she blames it on me and calls me an asshole.
uhhm, sorry i'm not perfect?
that's what she wants, so i'm never going to make her happy. she's never "proud" of me anymore. nothing i do matters to her anymore. and if you think i'm exaggerating, why don't you spend a day in my shoes.
but like i said, i complain too much.
so i apologize.
i do this shit out of self-pity.
you don't need to remind me.
"you stole my heart, but i had it first" <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[12/25/0606:09 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| |  upset | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | Lindsay Quit Lollygagging - Chiodos | ] |
christmas depresses me.
every year it's the same.
i hug all my relatives and get overwhelmed with comments about my hair, my height, and whatever else possible.
i don't ever eat, and i tend to nod off every now and then.
the day before yesterday i slept more than usual. didn't eat. and i sat around all day with a headache and nothing to watch on tv.
something i do when i'm not feeling comfortable.
i'd rather not talk about my pity problems to someone who may stop by to read a paragraph of this, but i should get my feelings out somehow so i don't hold them in a later release them on people i don't want to hurt.
during this little vacation we took to new york, all i heard about was brad. brad this, brad that, because my mother just had to tell absolutly everyone about him.
and not once did i hear a question about how i was taking in the situation.
it seems very selfish to me, but if that's true, then i'm selfish.
but no one, absolutly no one, has taken my true opinion on the matter.
i never even knew my dad, does my mom honestly think that she can pass of this guy as someone who could be just as good?
she doesn't understand me.
she keeps telling me she understands but i know how she's looking at it. she wants me to be polite to him, just a hello every now and then.
but i can barely stand that.
i don't want this person in my life.
i know my mom is soo so happy.
i've never, and i mean never, have seen her so happy.
but i'm not just going to think about her, i have my own point of veiw also. i'm going to be looking out for myself as well as the ones i love.
i can't seem to have any balance with any of this though.
i can't deal with him, knowing my mom is happy, and have me tolerating him and treating him like he's family.
we share no blood.
i can barely stand to see them together.
seeing him there... it's just not dad.
i just keep wondering, 'what if dad was here with me?' |
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| (no subject) |
[12/5/0612:47 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | muffled music that cassady is listening to | ] |
in LEAD...
yeah yeah i know i'm not supposed to be on right now but oh well.
i'm bored out of my mind. it kind of sucks.
my mother has been torchering me with these christmas presents,
and her bf has been staying at my house for about a week now.
i just kind of want to shoot him in the face.
so my mother and i talked last night which is amazing.
i'm not going to talk about it.... |
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| (no subject) |
[11/23/0605:46 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | The Fourth Drink Instict - Cute is what we aim for | ] |
in love with that song.
if you don't know it, you need to listen.
whaa haa ha aha ha ha aha
"Splintered piece of glass falls, in the seat, gets caught
These broken windows, open locks, reminders of the youth we lost
In trying so hard to look away from you
we followed white lines to the sunset
I crash my car everyday the same way...
I don't want to feel this way forever
A dead letter marked return to sender
The broken watch you gave me turns into a compass
It's two hands still point to the same time 12:03, our last goodbye"
<333 |
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| (no subject) |
[11/5/0611:10 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | who cares? | ] |
i just thought i'd inform you all that i have recently deleted a meaningful entry.
it makes me sad that no one commented,
which makes me think that no one read it.
and this is why i haven't updated.
i just wish some of you could have seen,
but no.
i get to write another entry complaining about how you all suck, and never get on anymore.
which is why i'm seriously considering deleting this account.
though i mostly write for myself, i write for all of the people who have added me as a friend as well.
i can always write somewhere else, i don't have to express myself in this journal, i can in one that isn't online, or just a different site that no one knows of.
just wish you knew, i write also for you, not just for myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[10/27/0610:49 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| |  enraged | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | don't care | ] |
i hate her.
i hate her.
i hate her.
don't talk about her.
don't talk about me to her.
keep her out of my face.
make her go away.
i hate her.
i hate her.
i hate her.
two-faced whore///
|
previous entry less hateful V |
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| (no subject) |
[10/27/0608:19 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | My Paper Heart - The All-American Rejects | ] |
jee, you guys suck///
i'm sitting here, and do i get a comment?
no!
i get nothing.
i feel so lonely/// i blame you all.
sure, i want things,
but i just can't have them.
it's pretty much teasing///
"Teasing to Please" <-- good song///
but anyways///i wish you would just comment so i wouldn't feel so bad.
yeah///you make me cry at night
i wish you only knew///
in other news: i've started on a new story. [i'm writing again] someone stop her!
it snowed last night.
or technically, very early this morning.
it was so pretty.
but i stayed up paranoid last night, and i had the most awfulest dream.
i dreamed my mother had breast cancer and she was dying. i wouldn't tell anyone at school, but one day i just started crying my eyes out and i told everyone.
then i cried and cried.
i woke up with tears in my eyes. [i always cry in my sleep though]
is that strange?
i don't care. i just felt so stupid.
i got up three times to walk around the house cuz i got so spooked.
i feel so silly.
maybe i should just stop talking about my stupid issues that no one cares about.
so anyways///had a nice time today at school.
the pep rally was kinda fun.
amber///you and richard are quite cute together [well, i think so]
well besides that///school was fun.
it was kind of "Ohio Love, Hug Frenzy Day"
it didn't work out how i planned.
it was more of "Ruffle people's hair Day"
it's so much fun to just ruffle someones hair.
okay, now i keep talking about hair.
what the heck?
maybe i should stop writing such long entries.
no one even reads them/// |
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| (no subject) |
[10/26/0611:10 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| | enraged and tired | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | Calling All Cars - Senses Fail | ] |
this place sucks.
ohio is just... lame. and yet i love it to death.
[yes, i have a secret love for ohio]
which isn't much of a secret anymore.
so... i'm getting so annoyed.
if i sound whiney then just stop reading whenever you feel like it.
cassady has been getting on my nerves so bad lately.
sometimes i just want her to stfu!
"Why do you care about your mom all the sudden?"
what kind of crap is that?
sorry i actually care about my grades!
*slaps*
make her go away.
she's just so... kill,kill,kill
okay, i'll stop now.
but anyways... i knew this was going to happen.
my journal entry from yesterday is now covered with this one, and even though i'm saying that there is a journal entry that no one read, still... no one will read it.
okay, stop complaining *pokes self*
[i don't talk to myself, i promise]
and for the record... i am NOT crazy!
so shove it down your throat, Richard!
okay, that was mean, but still...
i'm not crazy.
so shut your faces.
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[10/25/0609:00 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | Kiss me, I'm contagious - From First to Last | ] |
i'm not bored, i promise.
i've been obsessed with the song "Kiss me, I'm contagious" by FFTL for the past couple of days.
[i know, i know, my lj layout is in Note to Self and not Kiss Me... but this one was prettier than the one for Kiss Me... ;)]
and if you do not know who FFTL is, you need to learn. [they're in my interests]
yeah, yeah, yeah
my makeup today made me look sickly, but that's the way i like it, so that's how i wear it.
so i like to have a little shadow under my eye but i find it looking neat, and i think the way it looks in pictures.
which is why i'm going to take some more later.
meh =(
i always look horrible.
[whatever, who cares?] no one but me. or so i think...
i want so many things that i can't have, but i'm ready to try some new things, trying to find something that i truly want to be in this crazy, messed up life.
so i'm going to "take a chance and make it big, 'cause it's the last [i'll] ever get"
woot for TAI! perhaps this will satisfy my need for action and excitment!
i just want to be happy with myself. and i just want to be happy in general.
but yeah...
i might just fall asleep typing this entry. *yawns*
i refuse to nap.
if i nap i will be SUPER tired in the morning.
and then i will spend my entire time doing my hair and makeup,
then i won't eat and i'll be miserable all day.
... and that's no fun.
bleh.
i should stop being retarded, no one cares anyway.
i bet this comment will just be hidden from people by another entry later tomorrow.
so... enjoy not reading this.
[lameos] |
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| (no subject) |
[10/23/0608:14 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's [journal's song!] | ] |
why do i bother anymore?
the only emails i get these days are stupid notices about AIM
what do i have to do to get some comments around here???
cassady deleted her journal [yes, again]
and so i have to wait a week or two for a single comment.
what kind of love is that?
no love, no love, no love.
*stabs*
i cannot decide on anything.
and i have all these questions,
too complicated to answer.
what do i truly want out of life?
am i expecting too much?
will anything that i expect come?
do i have to chase after my expectations?
should i have to?
i hate it.
i'm so impatient and this life is going too slow for me.
i was excitement! action! something to do with my time.
what's a person to do?
i just want to know what the future is going to bring.
am i ever going to meet the person i want to?
am i ever going to get a decent job?
am i going to die young?
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!
right now i only know that i'm going to draw in my near future...
near future being later tonight.
[dangit] |
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|
| (no subject) |
[10/22/0607:47 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | music from Corpse Bride | ] |
i need some more excitment in my life.
i want to see some action.
[cassady crazy action]
but seriously. my life is so boring and is filled with emptyness. [if that makes sense]
hmm... maybe i should stop whining about my lame life.
corpse bride is on.
i've seen like... the first hour of it. [whatever]
ATTENTION NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS FANS!
The Nightmare Before Christmas is premiering on Cartoon Network next Sunday. [i'm pretty sure]
time was forgotten so i'll get back to you on that news.
don't forget to check in with the Fuse Fangoria Chainsaw Awards premiering tonight at 10:00pm-12:00am
i think i'm done with my nice little updates on the tv programming =D |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/21/0611:44 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | JAWED!! [i had to say it for some reason] | ] |
so i got back from cassady's today.
we had such a great time.
[hey cass, we should do fun things like tha tmore often]
minus the frozen toes.
tee hee
but yeah... i had alot of fun.
i'm bored!! there's nothing that interesting on tv.
lame "An American Werewolf in London"
whatever, it's old.
i think i'll go now.
blech. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/19/0608:46 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | The Watcher - YouInSeries | ] |
blah blah blah...
listening to good music <3
i'm quite bored, and am quite happy with my profile on here =)
all those songs make me smile like a maniac.
and so... my profile makes me smile.
=)
i have nothing to write about [what's new?]
so anyways... leave me comment.
they make me smile [most of the time]
so... yeah. tell me about life. [i'm sure it's way more intersting than mine] |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/18/0610:40 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | Defend You - Silverstein | ] |
so... yeah.
making a wishlist on hottopic.com.
i has alot alot of stuffs on there.
but hottopic is a nice store.
so whatever.
still have nothing to write about. =(
Marissa and Aaron finally broke up.
don't ask why, but i've been waiting for it.
i hate her so much i can't help but obsess.
[sorry people]
and so maybe i should shut my face and go listen to music. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/17/0609:40 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | nothing [me wishes me was listening to Plain White Ts] | ] |
i'm tired... of people looking down on me.
and... i'm just plain tired. *yawns*
i have nothing to write about, really.
i just wanted to see if you'd remember this, Amber.
the last time you spent the night with me, when we were watching Parental Control...
"Well, i'm pretty scared of squirrels."
it's Patrick, remember?!? |
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|
| (no subject) |
[10/16/0609:28 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | something lame | ] |
lala laaa la la laaaala la laa
ignore it.
i guess i'm just kind of in a happy mood.
yeah... not really.
i'm bored.
i've been trying to upload this pic, but it's not really working out. =(
oh well, i'll figure this computer stuff out eventually.
bleh... i should upload a pic of myself onto here.
i took a couple of cool ones,
but no matter what i think i look awful. [acid-face]
i think that'll be it for this entry...
i don't have much to talk about.
art project: lame.
and i'm done, so stop complaining about how lame this entry is. |
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|
| (no subject) |
[10/15/0602:48 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | Writing on the Walls - Underoath | ] |
i feel like crap.
don't ask why, i just do.
i need to eat.
my mother went to Wal Mart [thank God]
i'm always alone.
i just wish i had someone to hang with all the time. [whatever]
i don't need anyone.
i'm fine by myself.
i don't ever thank people enough.
but oh well.
they can deal.
and so can i.
listening to underoath, cuz i'm in love.
i'm very bored.
there's nothing on tv... much.
Made. whatever.
i was watching Scooby-Doo for about 5 minutes.
i used to love that show.
i'm so irrtated and for no reason.
i hate it.
=(
i'll deal.
byesss |
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|
| (no subject) |
[10/14/0605:00 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | nothing | ] |
i'm alone... i'm bored... i'm without a gun.
what am i supposed to do with myself???
my grandmother's house is so boring... all there is to do is watch stupid tv shows and eat animal crackers [which is quite nice]
i love animal crackers...
and i get to sit here with them for the next 3 hours!!!
but i shouldn't be complaining.
i could be with my family, crowded by people that i don't know, wondering what i should do and wondering what i shouldn'd do so i don't draw attention to myself or make anyone mad.
that part of life is not for me.
i had an interesting converation with my mother in the car on the way here.
we were talking about esp. [whatever]
but she told me all these things that she used to do, i always thought these things were normal, but she told me otherwise.
i'm scared of myself now.
i guess when i was younger, right after my dad died, i would see him.
she told me of how i had a tea party with him when i was like,4. and that i would always tell her that he was sitting right next to me, or that i would tell her that i was taking a nap with him.
am i weird???
maybe it was just the fact that i liked to use my imagination, or if everything was true, that i really was seeing him.
then she told of how Jamie once saw him here, in my gradmother's house.
so am i crazy?
or was it just all of us?
then we started talking about her friend's husband's mom, who appartently had known i was coming into this world.
she [supposedly] knew that my mother and Jamie's dad were going to get divorced, and that she was going to marry another man and have me.
i've met her once, and i remember [i think] my mother and her friend talking about how she had died.
i've seen her before.
i have strange memories of when my family, my mom's friend's family, went to stay in a gorgeous beachhouse for a week [or something like that].
in this house, i guess there was a tv downstairs that had turned on by itself all the time, and my mother unplugged it, and it still came on!
i remember seeing my mother's friend's mother in that house.
when we started talking about her in the car i suddenly remembered who she was, and that it was her that i saw waking up in the middle of the night the night that we had arrvied there.
i think my mother is crazy...
i'm constantly being skeptical about esp,
but should i stop?
this information is all too confusing for me to take in like this.
just as we were driving down here, i saw a house that i had seen in a dream once. i remember the dream so clearly now, just by passing that house.
what is going on???
am i crazy?
is my mother crazy?
is there something wrong with me or my mother?
is esp nothing more than a myth?
should i stop being skeptical about esp?
IT'S TOO CONFUSING. |
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|
| (no subject) |
[10/11/0608:39 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | nothing | ] |
i hate you people.
if you do not leave me a comment in the next two days i'll punch you all in the face!!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/10/0610:45 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | cat and mouse<333 - the red jumpsuit apparatus<333 | ] |
no one asked you!!
well i'm bored.
once again.
honestly, who didn't see that coming??
it gets boring when you can predict what i'm going to say.
i've figured out most of my problems,
so if you haven't read the last entry, you'll be totally lost.
better yet, pretend i didn't say that and don't read the last entry at all.
i won't delete it because deleting entries feels like erasing a record of that day, so if you delete an entry, it would feel empty and then you will never remember what you felt that day, or if you were mad at someone who you have now forgiven, or if you decided you were going to take a trip to New Zealand, but totally forgot the dream of seeing all the space.
so in conclusion... DON'T DELETE YOUR ENTRIES!!!!
because sooner or later, you will feel empty and sorrowfull.[i think that's a word...]
whatever.
obviously, no one cares about that entry because NO ONE LEFT ME A COMMENT.
hint, double hint <- [from Degrassi!! ha ha!!!!!]
but with saying that, do not leave me a comment now.
[well in this entry, go ahead, but you're a little too late for the last one.]
so DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
steph... i took your poll.
don't get totally offended because you know i will love you forever and for always.
<3 you steph!!!
and the rest of all you lovely losers =D |
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smiling_sleeper's journal