yes. i am grounded. but somehow, i have the urge to write a journal entry. and my mother left her laptop turned on and everything. so it's not my fault, m'kay?
i dont know what to do with myself. i don't want to be in this house anymore. but i have to deal with it for another 4 years. ugh. at least summer's almost here. and maybe next year will be better. right?
i'm not in a comfortable position.
i fell into love with someone i can't trust.
someone who, i'm afraid, will never love me back.
someone i never see. barely talk to anymore.
i don't know what to do.
and no one else i know understands this position i am in.
so i'm stuck.
and i'm also bent on this writing thing.
usually, i have no problem with writing my, whatever comes to mind.
but i've been having the worst case of writer's block. or whatever.
and artist's block. ACKKK!
too many problems.
i complain too much.
and i miss Patrick. only katie knows who patrick is. and i miss him. i got my first email, in a long time, from him yesterday. =[
i wish things could be like they used to. when my mother didn't go along with everything her bf says just so they don't get into a fight. and when they do, she blames it on me and calls me an asshole.
uhhm, sorry i'm not perfect?
that's what she wants, so i'm never going to make her happy. she's never "proud" of me anymore. nothing i do matters to her anymore. and if you think i'm exaggerating, why don't you spend a day in my shoes.
but like i said, i complain too much.
so i apologize.
i do this shit out of self-pity.
you don't need to remind me.
"you stole my heart, but i had it first" <3
christmas depresses me.
every year it's the same.
i hug all my relatives and get overwhelmed with comments about my hair, my height, and whatever else possible.
i don't ever eat, and i tend to nod off every now and then.
the day before yesterday i slept more than usual. didn't eat. and i sat around all day with a headache and nothing to watch on tv.
something i do when i'm not feeling comfortable.
i'd rather not talk about my pity problems to someone who may stop by to read a paragraph of this, but i should get my feelings out somehow so i don't hold them in a later release them on people i don't want to hurt.
during this little vacation we took to new york, all i heard about was brad. brad this, brad that, because my mother just had to tell absolutly everyone about him.
and not once did i hear a question about how i was taking in the situation.
it seems very selfish to me, but if that's true, then i'm selfish.
but no one, absolutly no one, has taken my true opinion on the matter.
i never even knew my dad, does my mom honestly think that she can pass of this guy as someone who could be just as good?
she doesn't understand me.
she keeps telling me she understands but i know how she's looking at it. she wants me to be polite to him, just a hello every now and then.
but i can barely stand that.
i don't want this person in my life.
i know my mom is soo so happy.
i've never, and i mean never, have seen her so happy.
but i'm not just going to think about her, i have my own point of veiw also. i'm going to be looking out for myself as well as the ones i love.
i can't seem to have any balance with any of this though.
i can't deal with him, knowing my mom is happy, and have me tolerating him and treating him like he's family.
we share no blood.
i can barely stand to see them together.
seeing him there... it's just not dad.
i just keep wondering, 'what if dad was here with me?'
yeah yeah i know i'm not supposed to be on right now but oh well.
i'm bored out of my mind. it kind of sucks.
my mother has been torchering me with these christmas presents,
and her bf has been staying at my house for about a week now.
i just kind of want to shoot him in the face.
so my mother and i talked last night which is amazing.
i'm not going to talk about it....
in love with that song.
if you don't know it, you need to listen.
whaa haa ha aha ha ha aha
"Splintered piece of glass falls, in the seat, gets caught
These broken windows, open locks, reminders of the youth we lost
In trying so hard to look away from you
we followed white lines to the sunset
I crash my car everyday the same way...
I don't want to feel this way forever
A dead letter marked return to sender
The broken watch you gave me turns into a compass
It's two hands still point to the same time 12:03, our last goodbye"
i just thought i'd inform you all that i have recently deleted a meaningful entry.
it makes me sad that no one commented,
which makes me think that no one read it.
and this is why i haven't updated.
i just wish some of you could have seen,
i get to write another entry complaining about how you all suck, and never get on anymore.
which is why i'm seriously considering deleting this account.
though i mostly write for myself, i write for all of the people who have added me as a friend as well.
i can always write somewhere else, i don't have to express myself in this journal, i can in one that isn't online, or just a different site that no one knows of.
just wish you knew, i write also for you, not just for myself.
i hate her.
i hate her.
i hate her.
don't talk about her.
don't talk about me to her.
keep her out of my face.
make her go away.
i hate her.
i hate her.
i hate her.
previous entry less hateful V
jee, you guys suck///
i'm sitting here, and do i get a comment?
i get nothing.
i feel so lonely/// i blame you all.
sure, i want things,
but i just can't have them.
it's pretty much teasing///
"Teasing to Please" <-- good song///
but anyways///i wish you would just comment so i wouldn't feel so bad.
yeah///you make me cry at night
i wish you only knew///
in other news: i've started on a new story. [i'm writing again] someone stop her!
it snowed last night.
or technically, very early this morning.
it was so pretty.
but i stayed up paranoid last night, and i had the most awfulest dream.
i dreamed my mother had breast cancer and she was dying. i wouldn't tell anyone at school, but one day i just started crying my eyes out and i told everyone.
then i cried and cried.
i woke up with tears in my eyes. [i always cry in my sleep though]
is that strange?
i don't care. i just felt so stupid.
i got up three times to walk around the house cuz i got so spooked.
i feel so silly.
maybe i should just stop talking about my stupid issues that no one cares about.
so anyways///had a nice time today at school.
the pep rally was kinda fun.
amber///you and richard are quite cute together [well, i think so]
well besides that///school was fun.
it was kind of "Ohio Love, Hug Frenzy Day"
it didn't work out how i planned.
it was more of "Ruffle people's hair Day"
it's so much fun to just ruffle someones hair.
okay, now i keep talking about hair.
what the heck?
maybe i should stop writing such long entries.
no one even reads them///
this place sucks.
ohio is just... lame. and yet i love it to death.
[yes, i have a secret love for ohio]
which isn't much of a secret anymore.
so... i'm getting so annoyed.
if i sound whiney then just stop reading whenever you feel like it.
cassady has been getting on my nerves so bad lately.
sometimes i just want her to stfu!
"Why do you care about your mom all the sudden?"
what kind of crap is that?
sorry i actually care about my grades!
make her go away.
she's just so... kill,kill,kill
okay, i'll stop now.
but anyways... i knew this was going to happen.
my journal entry from yesterday is now covered with this one, and even though i'm saying that there is a journal entry that no one read, still... no one will read it.
okay, stop complaining *pokes self*
[i don't talk to myself, i promise]
and for the record... i am NOT crazy!
so shove it down your throat, Richard!
okay, that was mean, but still...
i'm not crazy.
so shut your faces.
i'm not bored, i promise.
i've been obsessed with the song "Kiss me, I'm contagious" by FFTL for the past couple of days.
[i know, i know, my lj layout is in Note to Self and not Kiss Me... but this one was prettier than the one for Kiss Me... ;)]
and if you do not know who FFTL is, you need to learn. [they're in my interests]
yeah, yeah, yeah
my makeup today made me look sickly, but that's the way i like it, so that's how i wear it.
so i like to have a little shadow under my eye but i find it looking neat, and i think the way it looks in pictures.
which is why i'm going to take some more later.
i always look horrible.
[whatever, who cares?] no one but me. or so i think...
i want so many things that i can't have, but i'm ready to try some new things, trying to find something that i truly want to be in this crazy, messed up life.
so i'm going to "take a chance and make it big, 'cause it's the last [i'll] ever get"
woot for TAI! perhaps this will satisfy my need for action and excitment!
i just want to be happy with myself. and i just want to be happy in general.
i might just fall asleep typing this entry. *yawns*
i refuse to nap.
if i nap i will be SUPER tired in the morning.
and then i will spend my entire time doing my hair and makeup,
then i won't eat and i'll be miserable all day.
... and that's no fun.
i should stop being retarded, no one cares anyway.
i bet this comment will just be hidden from people by another entry later tomorrow.
so... enjoy not reading this.
why do i bother anymore?
the only emails i get these days are stupid notices about AIM
what do i have to do to get some comments around here???
cassady deleted her journal [yes, again]
and so i have to wait a week or two for a single comment.
what kind of love is that?
no love, no love, no love.
i cannot decide on anything.
and i have all these questions,
too complicated to answer.
what do i truly want out of life?
am i expecting too much?
will anything that i expect come?
do i have to chase after my expectations?
should i have to?
i hate it.
i'm so impatient and this life is going too slow for me.
i was excitement! action! something to do with my time.
what's a person to do?
i just want to know what the future is going to bring.
am i ever going to meet the person i want to?
am i ever going to get a decent job?
am i going to die young?
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!
right now i only know that i'm going to draw in my near future...
near future being later tonight.